Sometimes I Just Doubt Myself


Sometimes I Just Doubt Myself

I know what you are thinking, we all doubt ourselves at some point. As humans, we doubt our abilities and we often doubt that we are loved and or wanted in life. But that is not what I’m talking about, I’m talking about doubting myself that there is something actually wrong with me.

When all this started I often just thought to myself that it was all in my head that I was being a wimp and that I just suck it up and move on. That was the Marine in me thinking that I was tough and that I can ignore the issues. I actually did that for a while, with some mild success.

I remember sitting on the couch one night and thinking to myself that I’m sick, there is no invisible illness and I’m just being a dare I say it, but I’m being a wussy. I recall looking at the muscles in my arm and watching the twitch as I intentionally kept my arm perfectly still. Now I’m not talking about an entire muscle group, I’m talking about 1 to 2 inches of muscle twitching in my forearm and nowhere else. I recall ignoring it, which didn’t work. I recall moving my entire arm trying to get it to behave. I recall hitting the spot on my arm several times trying to get it to stop.

Flat on my faceTime for Google, which yielded many results, but most said that besides neurological issues, it could be too much lactic acid accumulating in the muscles after exercising the muscles. Nope, that wasn’t it, no exercise today and I didn’t use my arm more than normal today. How about too much caffeine or other stimulants which can cause any part of the body to twitch? Well, I do intake caffeine, but what adult doesn’t, I have for nearly 40 years now and nothing more than a Coke a day, so that isn’t it.

How about deficiencies of certain nutrients that can cause muscle spasms, that is possible, but I take a good multivitamin every day and am prescribed Vitamin D, so that is not likely the cause either. Then there is dehydration, but I’m on my fifth or sixth 16-ounce glass of water for the day and I’m peeing like a racehorse, so I don’t think that is it either, trust me I learned a huge lesson on dehydration when I was in the Marine Corps. It could be nicotine, but I don’t smoke, in fact, I’m actually allergic to tobacco. Well, that takes all the easy stuff off the freaking list and now we get into the serious stuff that the doctors need to test for.

But back to me doubting myself, it wasn’t just the muscle spasms, I often doubt that the pain I’m feeling is a real pain, maybe it is something psychosomatic, maybe my father beat me as a child and this is how I’m coping with it. Oh, wait he did and this is not how I’m coping with it. I moved on from that crap many years ago and I don’t give it a second thought. Maybe I’m not really numb on the left side as I grab a need and poke myself, nope, that didn’t hurt. Oh, wait, hell I didn’t even notice that I cut myself and I’m bleeding (which happens more than I would like to admit, by the way). OK, maybe days when I was using a cane to walk, maybe I don’t need the cane, screw it, here I go, step, fall, land face down, ouch, move on, I guess that I do need it. How about when I can’t recall a word or a name? I know that older people have that problem, but hell I’m only 50 and the freaking name I can’t recall is someone I have known for 10 or more years, what the hell.

Regardless of all the doubt and all the proof that it is indeed factual, I still end up repeating the cycle of doubt and then challenging that doubt. This sucks!

My goal this year is to stop this ugly cycle, there is no reason to doubt that these things exist, I live with them every day. Positive Attitude this year!


  1. SexyShoes90 says:

    I have been in your shoes, and trust me I love shoes, before. I’m a 29 year old homemaker who was diagnosed with Relapsing Multiple Sclerosis when I was just 18 years old. For years before I was diagnosed I often doubted myself, thinking that it was all in my head and that I was just making more out things that were not really there. It is a very negative and potentially destructive way of thinking.

    Today, I’m married to a lovely woman who I married in 2011 just days after it was legal in New York, and we have a child that we adopted four years ago. They are not only my life, but they are also my rock, my support, my strength and my reason for getting up everyday. Even though I’m on Copaxone, things have progressed to the point where I have to walk with a cane daily and some days I have to use my chair. Stick to your goal for this year, it truly is a very ugly cycle. Think positive thoughts, you got this.

  2. Mr Amazing Brandon says:

    OK, so you have a blog, your grammar sucks, but, who am I to point that out? Oh wait, I’m a fucking 6th grade teacher, so I think I qualify, but I rest my case, I’m not here to discuss your blog, but more about your medical problems. I myself got in a terrible car accident in 2014, when my car was t-boned by a drunk off his ass driver. The fucking idiot hit me on my driver’s side door while I was on my way home from coaching a basketball game. I too take Gabapentin and pretty much wear a TENS device all day long for the pain. Neither really take care of all the pain, but I manage.

    Dude, my comment is basically, just don’t doubt yourself, if it hurts, then let your doctor know and take your medications. Enough said.

    1. Welcome to the blog, why not tell me a little about yourself. I’m sorry that my grammar sucks, I disclaimed that right up front, so please just deal with it. Thanks for the advice.

      1. MissUnderstood says:

        Brandon, give him a break, he already stated that his grammar wasn’t on point. Not everyone is a good as the “Amazing Brandon”!

  3. MissUnderstood says:

    I know that I don’t know you, but I feel like I do some times. My advice here is never doubting yourself, the pain is indeed real, the muscle spasms are real, the memory issues are real, I have been there and have done or am doing all that. NEVER doubt yourself! Self-doubt and self-worth are two big signs of depression, which is caused by pain. It is a vicious circle really. The more pain you are in the more you want the pain to stop and the more self doubt you feel. If you take your medications earlier than you are supposed to then you feel guilty. It is really not a good place to be. I love your goal for this year, think positive. For me, I look to my faith for my strength.

  4. allie_jones_05 says:

    being 14 years old, i doubt myself all the time but i know that isnt the same thing as what u are talking about. before i was diagnosed i doubted myself all the time, doubted my feelings, doubted what i was feeling, it sucks. ¯\_(?)_/¯

  5. Don’t ever doubt yourself, you are a United States Marine, one of the best this country has to offer, you earned that title, so cast those fear and doubts aside. If you are sick or broken, get it looked at and follow the advice of the doctors.

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