December 2005

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December 2005

I decided that I would describe what this was all like, the best that I can, so here I go, currently, my symptoms can best be described as it is like wearing an elbow-length rubber glove on one hand with a tight rubber band on your wrist. Now on the other arm, you have coated it continuously with rubbing alcohol which makes it hypersensitive. Now back on the hand with the rubber glove, take a needle, and periodically poke the tip of your finger inserting the needle in until it hits the bone. Now inside the glove make sure that you place a small vibrator that is turned on. Now on the same side as the arm with the glove, I want you to put on three pairs of socks on your foot and then strap on a roller blade with one flat wheel. On the other leg, I want you to wear a 4″ high heel shoe. Again make sure that you place a few rubber bands around the leg with the roller blade and a device that constantly vibrates inside the sock. Now to make things more fun. Take a hot water bottle or device that produces heat and put that inside the three pairs of socks. And on your knee tape a cold pack. Sounds like fun, right, but wait, it gets better.

You also need to make your muscles very tired so before you do this, run up and down the stairs a dozen times, then suit up. Make sure that you put five-pound weights on your ankles and wrists as well.

Now for the motor skills fun. Take a couple of bungee cords and attach one end to your wrists and the other end, along with your arms and chest, and attach it to your belt. Make sure that they are taunted. Do the same with your legs attaching the cords to your ankles. Now make sure that you have with you several needles and something hot and cold to randomly poke yourself with.

Getting Angry

For 36 hours you will need to stay awake and drink plenty of caffeine to make you edgy and to really cloud your thoughts. Now try to function normally for the day. You will see that it is difficult to walk straight. Try to pick up small items with your gloved hand and try to make small delicate movements with the cords attached to your arms. Try to keep your thoughts straight and on track while being jittery and having shooting pains.

Now to have even more fun, you need to wear this for several days straight, then take it all off, get some sleep, and function normally for a few days. Then repeat the cycle.

Oh, I also forgot to include other fun things like, not being able to sleep more than 2-3 hours a night, but not straight, you have to get it in 20-30 minute increments. And then there is the craving for chocolate that I have for some silly ass reason. And then there is the great time when you try to get intimate with your spouse. If you are a man, make sure that you put on 3-4 condoms before you get rolling, it makes it that much more frustrating and closely mimics the sensations I experience.

What else can I toss in the mix to make it feel more realistic? Oh, yeah the big one. Now see your doctor when you dress up like this and have them tell you that you are perfectly healthy and nothing is wrong. Maybe it is Conversion Disorder or maybe you just want some attention (Munchhausen syndrome). Maybe it’s all in your head. Yep, that should make you feel even more comfortable about your symptoms.

Mr. Magoo
Mr. Magoo

How about trying to explain to your spouse and children how you feel and what is wrong? That is also a good time. Naturally, your spouse will be sympathetic and so will your children, but in my case, my 3-year-old is scared that Daddy is going to die, and my 11-year-old feels the same way and has friends that probably make fun of his dad for walking funny and acting goofy. Why would your children think you are going to die? Well, that’s a good one. Well you see, many neurological issues tend not to be life-ending illnesses but are real life-altering illnesses. Sure people die from complications from neurological issues (like Multiple Sclerosis, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, and many others), but mostly after they have lived a long life. Then they will quickly call it “complications from Multiple sclerosis, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, or Parkinson’s disease”. Which is just a newspaper tagline for Let’s get this story finished quickly and move on. Yeah sure, comedian Richard Prior died of complications from Multiple sclerosis (though it was really his heart and drug abuse that killed him, not MS). Actor Jim Backus (Mr. Magoo and Thurston Howell III) died from complications of Parkinson’s disease. Baseball great Lou Gehrig died from complications of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. Neurological issues are so life-altering that once you are diagnosed with any of them, you will have a very difficult time getting life insurance. No insurance company in the world wants to touch you then. Good thing I’m covered.

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Average Joe

Welcome to the Average Joe Weekly blog. This is basically my place on the web where I can help spread some of the knowledge that I have accumulated over the years. I served 10+ years in the Marine Corps on Active Duty, but that was some 25 years ago.

Avatar photo

By Average Joe

Welcome to the Average Joe Weekly blog. This is basically my place on the web where I can help spread some of the knowledge that I have accumulated over the years. I served 10+ years in the Marine Corps on Active Duty, but that was some 25 years ago.


  1. MissUnderstood says:

    That is terrifying, I have never heard someone describe what they are going through as you did in this post. I feel much of the same pain, but the numbness, the hot & cold, the weights, OMG, that sounds terrible, how do you cope with it? I don’t think I could survive all that, but I do know that I’m so much stronger today than I was this time last year. I get stronger every day living like this.

    God Bless

    1. Avatar photo IHaveSomeNerve says:

      For me coping with it is as easy as remembering that there are many people out there that have it worse. I have all my limbs and body parts so there is that. I have my family and friends as well. So I’m actually lucky if you think about it. To me pain is very relative and I can ignore most of it. It is things like walking and talking that mess me up in my mind. I need to figure that part out yet.

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