Earlier in the month, I talked about one of my favorite sayings that I stole from my life in the Marine Corps. That saying was ” Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body”. Now that does actually apply to many things in life. As an example, you stub your toe, “ouch” that hurt, but did it really hurt? Yep, it certainly feels like it hurt. But on the surface, it is really minor.

Over the years I have trained myself to look at the source of the pain and ignore it. Using that approach, I have been able to just ignore the pain and move on. Over the years I have managed to perfect this “skill” or “mind game” and things like a minor cut or burn would only hurt for a few seconds and then nothing. What I didn’t know then is that eventually, I would no longer feel the pain at all due to a neurological condition.

Now the sad part about this as time went by and my neurological condition got worse the number of various parts of my body became. Mostly my left side, but the numbness was only to things like touch and similar sensations. I had cut myself and didn’t notice until the blood caught my eye or I would burn myself and never know it until my wife saw it. But what really got me off guard was the onset of nerve pain. Over the years the nerve pain really ramped up and the “mind game” didn’t seem to be effective on that type of pain. I simply could not just ignore it. I couldn’t see the source of the pain. I would look at my hand and nothing looked wrong with it, but the pain would be so intense that I had tears in my eyes.

As a result of my “mind game” training, I had always had a skewed view of the standard 0-10 pain chart that most doctors and hospitals use. I recall having major abdominal surgery in 2012 and the nurse was helping stand for the first time after the surgery and he told me that the pain will be the most painful thing that I have ever felt. He told me it would be a very painful 10 on the chart. With a little help, I stood erect and felt the pull of my muscles and the sensation of ripping tissue as I stood up. When I was finally sitting again, he asked me if I needed anything for the pain and I told him that it wasn’t that painful I would have said it was a 5 or 6 on the chart and that I felt more intense nerve pain from time to time. He sat with me and used real-world cases to help me better understand the pain chart. But from that point on I have a better understanding of the pain chart, thanks to my nurse.

With all this talk about pain, I don’t think I really defined what my pain is. For me, the pain usually starts in my hands and starts off as a 2-3 and slowly intensifies to a 5-6, sometimes even more, often feeling like my hands are in a vise. I often feel the same pain in my feet and legs. The pain will slowly radiate from the hands up the arms and into my shoulders and torso. I can usually handle that pain; it is the random shooting pains that seem to circle my body like a NASCAR driver who is always turning left (except in my case it seems to be in a more clockwise manner).

I have been driving my truck and have had to stop quickly along the side of the road, as the pain hit my left foot so quickly and so intensely that it felt like a bullet had torn through my flesh, registering a very sharp 10 on the pain chart. It will last for a good 20-30 seconds and then slowly subsides. Most times it will reappear several more times in that spot, but not as intense. Sometimes, it will resurface in a different body part and other times, it doesn’t return for hours or even days. I would rather stand up for the first time after having abdominal surgery a dozen times in a row than keep experiencing pain. I once about wrecked my truck when it hit my left ribs once. I remember checking myself for bullet holes at that time.

There is also a dull ache that seems to continually reside in my body, usually my hands, feet, groin, and head. Then there is that one tiny spot on my right hand that feels like it is always being stabbed with a knife. You got to love pain.