Dear Lord, I'm 'That' Guy!
Lately, I have been really getting this feeling that I’m a burden or a sponge – sucking the life out of my wife. I try so hard to balance how much I tell her about what is going on physically and mentally with me, so I don’t become that burden that I so fear. I try so hard to make sure that I’m not putting more weight on her shoulders. I’m in no way knocking my wife, or putting her down, just the opposite actually. I work full time as well as I have this blog and I have a side hustle of web design. I help out with the family ‘zoo‘ (one dog, ten cats, three chickens, and three horses). Granted, I don’t help with the horses every day, more like twice a week and one weekend a month, maybe two some months, but I need some time to work on this blog and the web design stuff.
As I always tell my cat, I’m just a derailed train wreck.
It just isn’t my wife, I can tell that I’m draining my coworkers, my friends as well as my adult children. It’s not like they avoid me, just the opposite. My son bends over backward to try to fill the voids that I have created. It is more like I just get the vibe from them, that they are over me. They are getting short with me and other signs. Hell, even a fair amount of our pets avoid me entirely, except for Dot, my cat, which is really more of an ESA for me (wow, that sounds lame).
For my wife, it’s not like I have checked out of the marriage. In the past few weeks, I have taken her on several dates (something I enjoy doing), upgraded her laptop, bought her a 32′ TV for her office, and even bought her some roses the other day (which I do several times a year) as bringing her joy, bring me joy, plus a “happy wife is a happy life“.
Yet, I hear it in her voice, I see it on her face and I can detect it in her actions toward me, she is just so over it. I think it is why I often avoid people, so they don’t see what is going on with me. I stutter and stumble for words often now, I lose words, call people by the wrong name, and forget the basics (like tying a shoe). My once loud strong voice now breaks daily and by lunchtime most days, I can barely speak full sentences without losing it entirely. I’m sure when I am with them, these things are embarrassing for them when confronting others. So the solution is to stay at my desk in my office and hide out.
In the past, if she told me that she wanted something done, it got done and now, it usually gets done, but I take me longer and I need constant reminders, the once ‘days’ are now ‘weeks and ‘months’. I have tried carrying a little notebook with me and writing everything down, and I tried to keep everything digital as much as I can, but now I just have really long ‘Honey Do’ lists on my computer and a ton of scribbles in my notebook.
I can tell that she is taking tasks that in the past were mine to do, and she is either doing them or getting one of the kids to come and do them. And not only does that upset her, but it upsets me (I can’t be the man that I once was). I never in a million years did I ever think that I would be ‘that‘ guy. You know ‘that‘ guy, the one that never does anything. ‘That‘ guy who is just lazy. ‘That‘ guy that everyone makes fun of. I’m now ‘that‘ guy and it sucks!
It isn’t as if I had a choice in an of this either. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my adult daughter. I didn’t sit in front of a dry-erase board and pick which traits I or she got. I didn’t intentionally give my daughter all my bad traits. If I knew that I was a carrier of all this shit, I wouldn’t have had children. Don’t get me wrong, I love and adore my children with all my heart and soul, hell my son is my ‘best friend’. But I hate knowing that I gave them all this shit to deal with.
I just hate being ‘that‘ guy. But life goes on and I need to learn to deal with it the best I can. The Marine in me is telling me to suck it, the man in me is trying to motivate me, and yet I’m still hiding out. It’s not like I don’t want to do the things that need to get done, it is partially a motivation issue, but most of it is that I’m so fatigued and it is really kicking my ass.